Shows That Should be Banned!

There are few shows on television that can bring me to the edge of my seat in a boiling rage; sure, nonsense like Jeremy Kyle and GMTV grate, but they don't have me in a toe curling sweat fest or cause me to chew on my fists like the inhabitant of a padded cell.

If you haven't clicked by now, im talking about Eggheads, the most mundane, pointless, infuriatingly smug show on tele. Quiz shows should be about fun presenters and comedic one liners (Think Brucie in his prime) or rife with genuine intrigue and unmistakable camp (think university challenge) Eggheads has none of this, it's a miracle of television; it has none of the ingredients to make it watchable, it is literally TV dark matter.

Lets start with the presenters, first their was Dermot Murnaghan who brought all the glamour of a tired old newsreader to the fore, slowly drooling his way through questions that were thought up by a dead chess professional.

Then for some strange reason (Murnaghan's departure to a spin off show, yes a spin off of this crime against humanity!) they brought in Jeremy Vine; yes, that one; the one who presents panorama with the camera zoomed so close to his face you can see what his nose had for lunch.

The panel of Eggheads are "Quiz experts" and all have a tenuous claim to fame. You've got the drip dry Kevin, who wouldn't smile if you gave him a million pounds tax free; there's "the gay one" CJ who wears shirts that Noel Edmonds would laugh at. Then you've got "the old one" Daphne who has a gimmick, she has a strong sports knowledge despite having seen the funeral of king tut! Oh the hilarity.

Lets not forget Judith; yeah you probably know her, she was the first person to win a million quid on that Chris Tarrant Vehicle; oh and shes got a plum garden up her arse, and good luck finding that silver spoon, she swallowed it long ago.

The most hair pulling aspect of the show is that digression is actively encouraged. The early rounds are multiple choice and instead of giving the extremely obvious answer contestants will give a 2 to 3 minute anecdote as to why the wrong answers are wrong.

"now i know its not Bill Clinton, because im pretty sure he was never in Eastenders, although there was that one episode where Bianca had a dream she lived in the white house with Ricky's mum"

It has me in front of the screen shouting bloody murder. ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Please, see sense, ban this waste of tax payers money NOW.

Hallelujuah - A History of

It all started in 1984 when Leonard Cohen the Canadian singer song writer released the song on his album Various Positions. The song took over a year for Cohen to write and at the time he wrote 80 verses before finally cutting it down to the final version.

Since 1984 the song has been covered over 170 times. What is it about this song that has proved to be so appealing to so many people. Is it the powerful lyrics that inspire and resonate of spritualism and symbolism.

Cohen's Version



In 1994 Jeff Buckley released his cover version. What is now seen as the most definitive version screams of depth and passion and embodies the original version with a real soul. Buckley's version has been voted as one of the best songs ever by Rolling Stone magazine at 259 in its ranking of 500.
Buckley recorded 20 versions of the song in the studio before he was satisifed , eventually 3 different versions were used together.

Buckley posthumously achieved his first number one when his version of "Hallelujah " reached the top of the charts in March 2008.





Another recognisable version is that of Rufus Wainwright, brought to the publics attention after being used in the film Shrek in 2001.




This version features Askil Holm, Espen Lind and Alejandro Fuentes and Kurt Nilsen, winner of World Idol beating out more favoured rivals Kelly Clarkson and Will Young.



In 2008 The X Factor selected Hallelujah as its winner's song. In the Final Boyband JLS and Alexandra Burke both sang versions in a bid to claim the final votes of the public.

JLS



Alexandra




Alexandra won the public vote and her version was released on digital downloads at midnight on the 13/12/08. It has already become the fastest selling download song and is set to become number 1 for the prestigious christmas number 1. The release of The X Factor winner song has sparked interest in the previous versions. With the midweek chart reports showing Buckley's version at number 3 and Leonard Cohen's original also in the top 40. There is a strong possibility that Burke and Buckley could be number 1 and 2 at the weekend.

The X factor and the Christmas No. 1

For the last few years The X Factor has become synonimous with two things, Simon Cowells abrasive put downs and the Christmas number 1.

For those who aren't aware having the number 1 record at christmas in the U.K. has for a long time been a must have for all musical artists it is a prestigious achievement.
As well as the traditional esteem it represents it is also the most profitable week to be number 1 due to the increased spending of the public in the weekend before christmas. It is a week that is specifically targeted by record companies as a real money spinner.

It all really began in 1973 when Wizzard and Slade released their christmas themed songs, "I wish it could be christmas every day" and "Merry Xmas Everybody"

The chrismas number one was then very much the home of christmas related songs and novelty records, but then reality tv emerged firstly with Popstars: The Rivals which launched Girls Aloud and in recent years The X Factor.

As much as I enjoy The X Factor I think it would be nice to see a return to hessian days of a christmas number 1 that was either a christmas themed songs or a novelty record. So how do things look for christmas 2008.

Well there may be hope the contenders are as follows:

Geraldine McQueen " Once upon a Christmas"

(Peter Kay's genius creation follows up her hit number 2 song "My winners song" with this funny and catchty hit that will never leave your - Over and over and over and over and over.... you will see . Written by the growing legend that is Gary Barlow of Take That fame -this has a genuine chance)





Ruth Jones and Rob Brydon "Islands in the Stream"

Taken from the ever funny Gavin and Stacey this will be an also ran.



Leona Lewis "Run"

Lewis' cover version of Snow Patrol's hit. Already released the more sombre song than others contending the number 1 this screams of 2003 when Mad World by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules beat out The Darkness.



Complete long shot but who better than the "Best Act Ever" at the MTV Europe music awards 2008 Rick Astley to topple The X Factor winner.

The One Show

The One show has taken up the challenge of beating the reality juggernaut that is The X Factor to this years Christmas Number 1. Featuring the always brilliant Adrain Childs and Christine Beakley and their family of The One Show reporters sing on the shows christmas experiment Lets not fight this Christmas. Lets hope they show enough fight to bring back the christmas cheer and tradition of the Christmas number 1.

Diana Vickers tribute

With the sad demise of the only unique talent in the 2008 version of The X Factor we thought it was only right to bring you her highlights and what we are missing out on by her not winning the competition.

Man in the Mirror

Call Me.

With or Without You

Here is a taster of Diana performing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah from bootcamp, this will be the 2008 X Factor winner's song.

It's a crying shame that she won't be in the final and in with a chance of winning. Her version of Hallelujah would have transended the usual reality show winner going to number 1, it being a great song and performance in its own right.

Lets hope we see more of Diana very soon.

X Factor Bores me to "Tears."

I've finally had enough of the X Factor, and its no suprise that it's coincided with the departure of Diana Vickers. Last nights show was bland, predictable, boring, and full of vomit enducing close ups of peoples salty tears as they explained how much they "wanted it," and just how hard they'd "worked," to get here.

The judges bleet about how this is a "talent" contest, but when it boils down to it, the public are more interested in who can shed the most tears and act like the biggest muppet. First there was the inexplicable success of Daniel Evans, who, although seemingly a throuougly nice guy, couldn't sing for his supper, yet was kept on week after week. We can only imagine because of his 'hearbreaking' tale of love lost.

Next theres Alexandra (Leona Lewis) her mum needs a kindey op don't you know! She is a great singer, but haven't we been here before? What does she offer the market that Leona doesn't already own. Her songs bore the life out of me, and when i see the judges giving her a standing O' i want to launch my fish supper at the tele.

Next theres the living foetus Oweighn Quigges, who looks like an adorable high school kid who's been smacked in the face with a spade and then had his hair tied to a ceeling fan... oh... and he can't sing!

JLS seem to be totally genuine guys, but their vocals are terribly weak, having said that i hope they win, just so i can see Louis Walsh wet himself.

Granted Diana was poor the last couple of weeks, and looking back at her best bits last night i couldnt believe just how far she's fallen since her excellent performances in boot camp; the pressure got to her, and Cheryl Cole tried to Iron any sort of quirk she had flat by dressing her up as Avil Lavigne.

The final is going to be a drab affair full of Alex's "big voice" EOughing's "big fun" and JLS's "Big Performances. Excuse me while i fall asleep.

Joe Sqwashes Mr Sulu and Martina man hands to win IACGMOOH and become king of the jungle!

What a delight, who would have thought that an Eastenders reject would turn out ot be so humble and so entertaining and a good guy. As things turned out going into the final three, it would have been a shock if Joe who had so much more airtime and interesting things to say than his opposition failed to win. An early christmas present for Joe who could now see the chance for his career to soar. With the Help of George Takei Joe's new best of friend (who would have thought it "Joey and georgeous George" I foresee a succesful career in hollywood for Joe in minor roles and bit parts. If all else fails Joe has the Iceland adverts to fall back on though I think he is better than that and I hope his acting career goes from strenngth to strength.

Oh(mar) My God!

I've recently ventured into the superb HBO series The Wire; i avoided doing so because shows that generate hype i tend to avoid before eventually falling in love with them; i can't really say why but i often think "nah they can't be that good." First it was Lost, then 24 and now The Wire.

There really is no point trying to explain the wire in a few short pars; its too complex, and there are just far too many characters.

Although everything about the series so far has been a joy, every season the writers seem to stick two fingers up to the audience and snatch some of the best characters from right under our eyes. First it was Di-angelo Barksdale; the much underused nephew of Avon; then there was the annoyingly early death of Bodie, who in my opinion had so much more to give to the show. Easily the most pointless and shocking death of the series was that of Omar Little; Omar was a man hell bent on revenge in season 5 and you could tell he wasn't going to survive; he was becoming careless and wandered around the terrifying streets of B'more. I was prepared for his death, and was convinced if he was going to go, he'd take as many people with him as possible, i was prepped for a Scarface style gunfight, where Omar took 14 bullets to the chest, but when i saw him killed by a small insignificant 12 year old while buying a pack of smokes i nearly threw my television out of the window!

That surely has to be one of the biggest f**k you's ever placed on screen. It'd be like Jack mauled to death by Vincent in Lost, or 24 season 7 starting with Jack killing Chloe because she stole one of his chips (hope that doesn't happen!)

RIP Omar! you will be missed.

Simon fails to weave a web of success

Simon Webbe failed to make the final four as he received the least amount of votes sending him out of the jungle. Despite a glittering career behind him as one of the boyband Blue and with the backing of all his ex Blue fans it wasn't enough to save him. It was the video message from Simons girlfriend which was the highlight of his final episode. She turned out to be Layla from X Factor rejects "Girlband" Layla was there to give her support to Simon but her performance was as lacklustre as the songs Girlband performed on The X Factor. Her appearance seemed another desperate attempt to clamour on to her five minutes of fame rather than any kind of sincere support of Simon Webbe who as things turned out was a decent bloke.

Andy Abraham and Daniel Evans Wednesday Night Classic

Tonight we take a look back at ITV's The Grimleys which ran from 1999-2001 with a total of 22 episodes. It was a nostalgic look at the mid 1970's in Dudley, West Midlands through the eyes of schoolboy Gordon Grimley. Gordon is a social misfit desperatly in love with his English teacher Geraldine Titley. Gordon battles with his sadistic PE teacher Doug Digby in an attempt to win the affections of Geraldine.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Grimleys

Here's a clip from the show which randomly has a guest appearance from England and Lions Rugby Union international Jeremy Gustcott.

Mclean of the Jungle!

Last night saw the exit of the straight talking glamour model and future queen of wag Nicola Mclean. As time went on the vehemnet and impassioned Nicola grew on me and her sheer disdain for the annoyingly exuberant Timmy Mallet and the deluded wannabe David van Day matched my own view of the two jungle late arrivals. Not for one second did she stand for Van Day's pathectic victim routine.

Her acerbic tone directed at Van Day from the very start of his tenure in the jungle at first seemed slightly harsh. However as Van Day continued to display his psychotic underbelly it appears that Nicola was the quickest of all the celebs to not judge this book by its cover.

Putting aside the inhitial agreements of the group towards paying the ransom for Mallet and Van Day on their first night in the jungle, with Nicola dismissing the notion of giving up her mascara. This sums her up perfectly, she doesn't suffer fools lightly. As others began to pander to Van Day's childish tantrums she stood steadfast in her original opinion of him and saw through his manipulative ways. Only now are the likes of Joe Swash beginning to see from Nicola's persepctive, one that doesn't wear rose tinted glasses.

It's a shame she had to go, but for me there will only be one queen of the jungle in 2008.

Celebs Discuss Jobs in Farcical Jungle Romp

I thought I'm a celeb couldn't get any worse; but tonight it reached the depraved depths of hellish TV smut when the so called "celebs" discussed their "jobs."

As it was introduced by Ant and Dec i spat out a mouthful of luke warm, milky tea onto my new bloody carpet and had to spent ten minutes with the vanish out.

Anyway i digress; when i envisaged these z list morons discussing what they do in their daily life i saw David van day ermm... talking about.. you know that thing he does... sit in the jungle, and sim-on-web doing some singing; utter tedium i thought. But low and behold Joe "knees up mother brown" Swash caused much hilarity by not actually knowing what his "job" was.

He's an actor so when he stood up he probably should have given a "talk" on how he used to act in Eastenders; instead he tried to sell Nicola a dollar shaped piece of plastic? Erm Joe, i know you played a market stall owner but that's not your job! When you look in Swash's ear you can see David Van Day picking his feet out the other side.

"The" Brian Paddock leaves I'm a Celeb jungle in shock evition.

Celebrity legend "The" Brian Paddock left the jungle in one of reality tv's greatest upsets since Chico of It's Chico time fame failed to win The X Factor.

Paddock a shining light amongst a sky of stars enlightened Britains evenings for 17 days. It's a sad day for Ex policeman and Ex Mayoral candidates, who saw "The" Brian Paddock as an example to all Policeman and Mayors that with hard work, dedication and a natural abiliy for being famous, they too can rise above us and become one of the "Z" list.

We are sad to say it is not "The" Brian Paddock time.


CHICO watch*** Chico will be headlining as he turns on the Christmas lights in Leighton Buzzard this weekend.

Theroux "Scores" in Philli.

Louis Theorux has done it again; this man can do no wrong. Last night we were treated to Louis wandering the streets of Philadelphia interviewing hardened criminals for an insight into the drug trade.

Theres something about Theroux that means even when he's walking into dark vacant houses to take a peek at a dead body (he did this last night by the way) you still have a smile on your face; he has an incredible knack of blending the comic and the tragic. This was probably the first time you could see the fear behind his specs, yet he still managed to crack some hilarious jokes.... for instance

"I'm travelling with Paul Hunter, known simply as Hunter."

This documentary was truly heartbreaking at times with tales of drug addiction and young gun victims; it made me want to watch an episode of the wire... and i dully did!

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Here's a taster, the full episode is available for a week on the bbc-iplayer.

Louis is back on our screens next week in Johannesburg; he better have that bullet proof vest on damn tight!

Andy's Advert Anonymous

Entering AA this week is Microsoft's "I'm a PC" advert.

Take a look.

Now the advert starts with a man very reminiceint of Apple's representation of what a PC is in Apple's "Get a Mac" campaign starring John Hodgeman and Justin Long as the PC and the Mac.

The Apple Ad =

WORST COMEBACK EVER!!

The Apple advert was released two years ago in 2006!!! What was Bill Gates doing counting all his money, then he retired then he finally saw the Apple ad?? Come on!!! The worst thing about it is the apparent figure being spent on the "Get a PC" campaign, it is $300 million. Hopefully someone at Crispin Porter + Bogusky the ad agency responsible will get fired.

Not only are you out of touch for taking 2 years to respond everything in your advert reaffirms everything the Apple add was representing you as!

I am not surprised advertising is full of posh idiots called Tarquin, Terrance and Marcus with rubbish ideas.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=qWXKHGolqrU = Charlie Brookers idiots of advertising.

Esther Ranson leaves I'm a celeb

Esther Ranson and Simon Webbe were the final two names as Ant or Dec read out which of our celeb gods were safe or not. It was then Esther who became the fifth "Celeb" to leave the jungle.

To be fair to Esther, she was fairly famous in her day and has done a lot of charity work, but in the brutal world of dog eat dog z-list celebritydom she could not compete with the power houses of "The" Brian Paddock and professional boob merchant Nicola Mclean.

Esther has been there and done that so she doesn't really have anything to gain or grab hold off, she doesn't appear to have any massive desire for fame, it was more about the experience. After all the last meaningful peace of TV that Esther partook in was"excuse my French" which pitted everyones favourite football racist Ron Atkinson wannabe comedian Marcus Brigstoke (star of the unknown child shows "stupid" and "Sorry i've got no head" and Esther in a challenge to see who could immerse themselves in French culture and learn the language.

Alas when you have nutters like David Van Day despearate to climb the ladder of celebrity obscurity Esther just doesn't stand out.

Who goes next - whoever has signed up to be in Celeb Big Brother in the new year no doubt!

Mallet knocked out

After finishing in the bottom two of the IACGMOOH public vote with "The" Brian Paddock (The biggest Z list celebrity to ever grace the jungle floor). Timmy went head to head with "The" Brian Paddock in a shock bushtucker duel which would see the loser exit the jungle for good.

The bush tucker battle took place in the "gruesome last chance saloon" seeing the celebs knocking back a variety of bug concoctions.

It is a shame that Timmy lost out to "The" Brian Paddock, with a long run in the jungle I had high hopes that Timmy would have annoyed everyone so much that A) He would renew is musical partnership with Andrew Lloyd Webber and become the face of Britains next Eurovision entry. Or (B) He would have pushed his fellow celebs too far with his loud anarchic brand of "humour/entertainment" they would have wandered off into the jungle to never be seen again.

Oh well I guess we are left to look forward to his star turn in next years Iceland adverts.

Britney Spears overshadowed by those trying to emulate her.

What should have been a story about the triumphant return of Britney Spears to British shores - her first performance in five years - we were instead treated to something so dire it left us begging for the return of the erstwhile X factor loser Daniel Evans.
Despite Daniels inept ability to reach beyond the levels of cruise ship crooner, he was at least the one thing any singer should be, which is entertaining. Whereas Daniel stretched the limits of his ability every week on the X factor Britney Spears left us wishing she had never turned up at all.

Whoever makes the decisions for her in hindsight must concur getting her to mime to her own song in a week dedicated to her screams stupid. X factor is a show that requires people to sing live week on week. The X factor contestants no matter how inexperienced have become quite adept at singing live week on week. They come out and sing a Britney song live - they do it reasonably well - she then comes out and mimes badly. Who is the professional singer? Even Same Difference managed to mime in time with their song the previous week. I'd rather have Daniel Evans over Britney Spears any day of the week. The worst thing about it was the ridiculous adoration that she received from the judges on the completion of her performance - no wonder she is crazy if nobody can tell her she is awful - too many yes men around her I think.

THE RESULTS:

This was the first week where the decision on which contestant would go was solely the responsibility of the voting public. Despite Ruth Lorenzo putting in two great performances she found herself along with Eoghan Quigg - High School Musical wannabe - awaiting to see which of them would join Alexandra, Diana and JLS in the semi final. Despite the best efforts of Louis Walsh to sabotage his own act JLS showed they must have a strong public following along with longtime favourite Diana Vickers. Diana overshadowed by Alexandra this week is in danger of seeing her favourite moved to her rival. Despite strong performances I still don't enjoy Alexandra's performances, there is something about her attitude that doesn't allow me to find her likeable.

As Dermot announces the fourth semi finalist it is the sultry spaniard who has to go home, with her powerful vocal ability the only one to rival Alexandra it will be interesting to see where Ruth's votes go next week. With Alexandra, Diana and Eoghan the only acts not to be in the bottom two, it looks likely that JLS could be up for the chop next week.

Anyone remember this guy? No me neither, apparently he appeared for a few weeks on X factor and was compared to someone called Ricky Gervai, who, apart from in Louis Walsh’s mind isn’t actually a real person. So in essence he offered this “bloke” neither a criticism nor a compliment, he actually might as well have said “you remind me of someone who doesn’t exist.” So… a Ghost? That’s right Daniel Evans (I remember him now the one with the wife… who died) was the first X factor contestant compared to a ghost.

I’m becoming increasingly concerned for the sanity of Louis Walsh, first their was the Ricky Gervai debacle, then he reduced Dannii minogue to a blubbering wreck off camera, meaning for the rest of last weeks show she couldn’t actually talk (thank god) Then as I sat, surprisingly bored by Kirsty Alsop’s appearance on Gordon Ramsey’s’ cook along live I spotted him sitting staring blankly into a camera while rotund DJ Chris Moyle’s served him prawn cocktail; Also have you noticed he claps like monkey.

X Factor tonight, and I’m going to happily predict a bottom two of JLS and Ruth Lorenzo.

Dani Behr who cares

As the second of our so called celebrities departed the jungle of I'm a celeb get me out of here tonight, I am left with the thought.... are we all celebrities?

After all just take a look this years I'm a celeb line up. Brian Paddock - who hey he you may ask - that's right you guessed it - a former policeman and London mayoral candidate! He is then closely followed by 'professional WAGS' Nicola Mclean and Carly Zucker. The rest of the line up is a mish mash of ex actors - former boyband members and tv personallities who have been off our screens for long enough for us to forget them.

Celebrity and fame should be put upon people who actually achieve something! However I'm a celeb and it's commrades continue to promote celebrity culture in it's current form. This only serves to brainwash a nation in to believeing we are all able to achieve anything and that we deserve huge adulation and admiration for our great great talents that we don't have!